Like on the phone this afternoon I was talking with Miss Kory and all the sudden this bitter, like VERY BITTER words start coming out of my mouth. I have no idea where those feelings had been buried and what rock i had overturned and let them out but there they were.. I think I even shocked Kor with them... it was strange.
And then this evening I was talking to another friend and the topic of death came up and I suddenly, well like 2 minutes into the conversation, found myself sobbing, not just crying but sobbing about my Grandpa who has been dead for 11 years. I think that I have dealt with these things but apparently I haven't.
Emotion like that has a tendency to scare the shit out of me. I have ALWAYS prided myself on being this strong, independent, rock stable person, and to fee weak or vulnerable is a very uncomfortable area for me. I also have a hard time letting my emotions show, I remember making an excuse for crying during Titanic at a slumber party.
I think in life this could be my biggest obstacle, or at least one of them. Opening up scares me. So what happens if I find the one, now or in the future. What if I can't open up because I'm too afraid of getting hurt. I've been hurt in the past. But maybe that has left me scarred and less wiling to open up. Now I'm rambling...
But then when the time comes and I find someone who climbs over my wall or hell, breaks it down. I hope they will accept me for vulnerable and weak, but still strong and independent. Thats all I'm asking for.
Although it seams like a lot....
For now,
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